A while back I wrote about the things I miss. It was early days in my journey of sobriety and I could only see what was behind me. I had not lived enough sober nights, and clear days to see my new reality and appreciate it. Now I have so here is a new list, and a confession.
I DON’T miss lying awake at night when the buzz wears off,
I DON’T miss waking with a throbbing head,
I DON’T miss walking in circles the next day because I cannot think clearly,
I DON’T miss feeling guilty for not being fully present in my life, and that of my family,
I DON’T miss feeling trapped and controlled by something,
I DON’T miss….
I know I am forgetting some. I’ll come back and add them in when they come to me. I should have written this list when the thoughts were fresh in my brain but I wasn’t sure how I wanted to tell the rest of the story….
Here it is…the other night I had several glasses of wine. It had been one of “those” days. I had handled severel of “those days” already, but this one tripped me up. The day was finally over, the weather beautiful, and I joined my husband outside. The thought came, I want a drink, too. I want to toast the end of this day with my husband, celebrate the beautiful weather, and prove to myself that I can have one drink.
Well, I CAN’T.
Several glasses later I went to bed, not feeling, not thinking. But in the morning my head was filled with “I DON’T miss” thoughts. That day I struggled with lots of different feelings but one thing I was certain about, I was not going to drink again. I could not. I never wanted to feel those feelings again. This was my own personal TEST. Some might say I failed. I choose to believe I passed. I needed this final test to shut down that lingering question in my mind, Can I have just one glass of wine? The answer is a clear and resounding, NO!
So, I did not put a stone in my rose vase that morning, but I have every morning since, and I will every morning to come. I look forward to the day when I have a line of bottles on a shelf filled with beautiful stones and my grandchild asks, “Why do you have all those bottles of stones, Grandma?” And I’ll answer, “Those bottles remind me of all the amazing wonderful days I’ve lived right up to this one, right now, here with you. They remind me that each day is important, and while we are not perfect, God’s grace and love are.”
I don’t want to MISS one more day!