I have a confession to make. Silence is not golden….when you fall off the wagon.
Where do I start? How do I tell this story? My last post was one of hope and a story of relying on God’s strength. This one is is about human weakness. Human imperfection. I started drinking again. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could have a glass of champagne while we were away for a few days to celebrate 20 years of marriage. I thought I could sip the earthy golden nectar of Greece while we reminisced about our honeymoon, so many years ago. I thought I could do that while away with my beloved, and then just not drink once we were home again. I was wrong.
I’ve always wondered about the origin of “she fell off the wagon”. Turns out it comes from the 1800’s and prohibition days and has something to do with a water wagon. I’m still not clear on the exact meaning, but I am clear on what happened to me.
I fell into the trap of believing that I was in control. That I was the one who had the power to manage my drinking. That I was the one who could decide when and where to drink. I had not had a drink in weeks when I started again. Surely, if I could go this long, then a couple glasses of wine would not be a problem.
I was wrong.
I am not in control. I cannot win against alcohol when I try to do it alone. The ONLY way I can win, stay strong, and not drink, is if I put my faith in God and truly believe that He will give me strength.
I have more to share but need time to process it first. However, I also needed to write this now to help explain my silence. I still have my rose in the bottle on my kitchen counter. The stones have held steady at the same level for too long. It’s time to begin dropping them in again. This morning I dropped the first one in a very long time. The sound of the stone against the glass as it dropped down touched my heart with the same strength as the sound of the bell at the top of a church steeple.
I am human. I am not perfect. But, God’s love for me is perfect and with his grace and strength I will take the steps of this journey one day at a time.