… or does it? I’ve never liked reading those words in advertising. Whatever they were selling, it never seemed to fit ME. I’m not sure who “all” is, but it isn’t me.
This morning I reflected on several conversations I’ve had this week with people in and out of AA; all of whom are supportive and encouraging of my journey of sobriety, health and rediscovering my joy. Several within AA are expressing concern that I can maintain my sobriety by attending only one Meeting a week. Others are reminding me that this is My Journey and only I get to walk it and decide the path I will follow.
I think one of the reasons I delayed going to AA as long as I did was because I did not see myself in the faces and stories I heard and read. (note: I do now!) I also questioned whether I needed the Rules and Structure of AA as my support. By nature I am a rule follower but somehow this felt different. I did not feel I needed the anchor or beacon of AA to guide me because I have the anchor of my husband, family and dear friends and the guiding beacon light of my faith. I know that writing these words may upset some of you, but they are my words, about my journey. I am processing and finding my way. There is no judgement in AA.
I AM an alcoholic. I have a chemical addiction to alcohol; white wine specifically. On my own I am powerless against it. With GOD I am strong. With GOD I can resist the temptation to drink. It is hard, but I can do it, with GOD.
Several friends, who have held my hand through the last 10 years as I have tried to stop drinking on my own, countless times, have commented to me that I am different this time. They have noticed the resolve, the peace, the “I can’t put my finger on it but you are different” energy that I have. I feel it, too, Don’t mistake me. This. Is. Not. Easy. I am tempted. I think about drinking. I miss drinking. But, I have not ONCE opened the liquor cabinet and thought about replacing my wine with other alcohol as I had done every time in the past. I am able to walk by the wine bottles in the grocery store with resolve, keeping my eyes averted, rather than scan the shelves longingly for one of my favorite labels.
AA recommends 90-in-90. Ninety meetings in your first 90 days. While I can see the value of this, attending 90 meetings in 90 days does not look like the right path for me. However, when I consider the intent of the guideline 90-in-90, I see the benefit in the every day action of being present, intentional, submitting, and acknowledging our weakness in the face of alcohol and saying aloud every day, Hello, I’m an Alcoholic.
So, while I am not attending 90 AA meetings in my first 90 days, I am being present, intentional, submitting and acknowledging my weakness in the face of alcohol and saying aloud to someone, every day, I am an Alcoholic.
Today is Day 10: here is a partial my list of my 10 in 10 –
Read and Blog Daily, and:
- attend AA meeting declaring myself an alcoholic
- have lunch with a new AA friend
- pack the day helping others and end it with a 40 min hot bath
- enjoy a lovely carryout dinner at home with my husband
- attend church and take a long walk with Mother Nature
- share tea with a friend and confidant
- explore a new knitting store and break bread with a mentor
- share lunch with a new AA friend; attend AA meeting
- prepare lunch for my prayer partner, attend play in evening with friends
- attend mediation class
This is my journey. I’ve never walked it before. I am finding my way. So, once again in my life, one size does NOT fit me!