Becoming selfish….

My journey of sobriety is a rather selfish one, where I find myself focused on my needs before anyone else’s.  This is a strange sensation for me as I tend to put myself and my needs last, behind those of my child, husband, family and friends.

Self care is actually an important part of an alcoholic’s healing journey.  By nature, an alcoholic generally does not care about themselves; what they wear; how they look; what they eat.   I certainly did not.  Life is governed by the siren call of alcohol. Some plan their days around the next drink; I planned my evenings.   I always knew how much white wine was in the open bottle in the fridge, and if it would be enough for that evening.  If, for some reason I was not certain, I would stop to buy another, just to be sure.  I never bought wine by the case. That’s what an alcoholic would do, I told myself.  I bought it by the bottle.  However, I made sure to randomize the stores I went to so that the same clerks did not see me buying a bottle every day or so. I did not want someone to mistake me for an alcoholic.  In reality, I had fallen under alcohol’s spell. It plays with us, and tricks us into thinking we are in control when in reality we are no longer in control, alcohol is.

So now that alcohol is no longer running of my life, I am slowly taking back control, and taking care of myself.  I attend Meetings. I meditate several times a week. I take showers (almost every day) and put on makeup. I eat better and drink more water.  I walk in the sun. I listen to music. I take pictures.  I knit.  I sip tea. I write.  I plan and cook creative meals.  I am rediscovering … me.  I confess it feels odd to be so selfish, but it also feels good.  I can sense my soul healing and reawakening.

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