After sharing at a recent Meeting I received a text from a fellow AA member, she said – ‘You make it look easy. I wish it were easy for me.’
She is looking at an illusion. This is not easy. I struggle. I choose to put a positive face on but it is hard. I walk in circles. I eat ice cream. I go take a long bath. I am running out of distractions
Tomorrow will be 29 days. I’ve gone to a meeting every week, once a week, except for last week when I was traveling with my daughter. My journey is my own. Several suggested that I needed to do 90 Meetings in 90 days. Maybe I do, but maybe I don’t.
Please don’t judge me. I judge myself, and question myself enough for everyone.
Before my trip I “banked” up a few posts to share while I was away. It was a busy trip with lots of distractions that left me exhausted as I fell into bed each night. Somehow though, it was easier being away, out of my normal routine. Now that I’m home it is harder again.
The day I returned was stressful to me but joyful to others. When it ended I so wanted to wash the stressful feelings down the drain with a few cold glasses of white wine and pass out into my comfortable bed. I did not, but I certainly wanted to! No one gathered in my home that afternoon knew the internal turmoil I felt or heard the dialogue I had with myself in my mind. They only saw my smiling face and heard me offer refreshments and dinner.
So, don’t be fooled by the illusion of ease. This journey is not easy, but it is necessary and so very important. I can honestly say that the week I had away with my daughter was infinitely better and more memorable because I was fully present every moment, not distracted by a hangover in the morning, or focused on if I’d be able to get my wine at dinner or before heading back to our hotel room.
Illusions are deceiving. Appearing strong to others helps me stay strong. But it is a daily, and sometimes moment-to-moment effort. Don’t judge.