The crisis has passed. The clouds have lifted and I can see blue sky and feel a gentle breeze on my face as I walk in the sun. I weathered the storm life threw at me and I did not drown my fear in wine. I feel victorious, and exhausted. It took so much strength to deal with the daily stresses of the last few weeks and not give in to my need to escape at night that I now have very little energy left to live each day. I want to just sleep, on the porch, with the breeze blowing, listening to the birds sing.
I can’t. During The Crisis I went into survival mode, did just enough to get by, but not enough to keep up with the realities of daily life as we know it in the western world. Dishes, and papers, and laundry, and life lay in piles around our home. My head spins when I try to think about getting back on top of things. I’m realizing now, that this is the way life often was when I was drinking; my brain numb and exhausted, doing just enough to stop life from slipping backwards but not enough to keep it moving forward. I’d walk in circles, do a little here and a little there, but not really finish anything.
Experiencing the same feeling now is unsettling. I struggle to figure out how to get my joy and focus back. I know that a couple good nights of sleep will help. I know that several days of healthy eating will help. I know that drinking enough water will help. I know that writing again will help. I also know that doing The Next Right Thing will help.
I went to a meeting and meditation this week. Both are an important part of keeping my focus on God for my strength. I met a woman at the meeting who was in her 20th hour. I saw myself in her eyes, the fragile smile of pain and weakness. I hugged and encouraged her. We talked about re-finding our true selves, the person we were before. I found that person and I know what she looks like. I know what she sounds like. I know what it feels like to be her, but I’ve lost her again. Thankfully, I did not loose her to drinking and I will find her again.
Right now I think I’ll turn on some peppy tunes and tackle my kitchen. Then, I’ll treat myself to an iced tea on the porch before I do the Next Right Thing.