I liked passing out. I admit it. I liked the feeling of walking up the stairs, foggy, gripping the hand rail for stability, sliding into cool soft sheets, laying my head on a fluffy pillow and BOOM, I was out! No tossing and turning. No trying to calm my mind. No noticing how much my legs ached and wanted to keep moving. Just OUT. Passed Out. Darkness. Silence. Sleep.
But it wasn’t sleep. It was an alcohol induced coma from which I entered the next day foggy and tired. It’s been more than two weeks since I the last time I passed out. I miss it. I miss what I called sleep, but not the fuzzy mornings. I miss climbing into bed and boom – out go the lights.
Sleep is very different now. I knew alcohol was changing my body, but I never really thought about how it was changing my brain… and sleep. Now I get into bed, toss and turn, doze and wake, doze and wake, and as a result, keep my husband up all night. I miss passing out.
Will I ever return to a normal pattern of sleep? Will I ever sleep through the night without waking, without tossing and turning? I miss passing out.